change

god its been so long since I've been here....

but sitting her in the dark, listening to the silence of the moonlit streets outside i feel i am the only one in the world awake, and that means i only have you to talk to my faithful blog...always there when you need it......and all of my friends are offline and my family is asleep ( even the animals are asleep) so i don't have much choice now do i?

I'm thinking about change. Change within me. How to kick it along. I'm living with a sadness that has been with me for as long as i can remember. I'm living with 31 years of conditioning and bad habits. I'm living with years of fucked up rage. I'm living with a me that i don't really like all that much to be perfectly fucking honest.

i feel I'm really wanting things to be different, that i feel unable to do so. I feel that i need to bring more honesty into my life...mainly i live honest with other people ( except white lies...) but my honesty with myself, especially about my failings, is never really there. i don't want to admit to myself when i know I've done something crap. My defensiveness is so deep that i continue to defend myself in my mind- talking to myself about how i am right and others are wrong when they have seen a failing or a flaw...rather than just admitting the fucking truth - maybe, just maybe you fucked up? Maybe, just maybe it wasn't because someone else did x or y...sometimes things ARE you're fault

OK but then I'm thinking, that i can see this now, maybe 30 mins AFTER the situation, i can force myself to pull apart what happened, to see where i went wrong, where i said the wrong things, what i should apologise for, in other words, where i have fucked up....but that's not good enough is it?

i mean its a bit too late to say oops i fucked up AFTER the damage is done.....and when you start to identify patterns in your behaviour, you see the same old well worn paths, what do you do to avoid those in the future? how do you build yourself a new path to walk? how do you reprogramme years of becoming who you are now???

i argue, i yell, i throw things, i am a firey individual.....i hate that about me, i want to change that about me...and the worst thing is that this feeds my depression - i get into these arguments and then afterwards i just feel shit, and feel that maybe it would suit people so much better if i wasn't around....it makes the darkness grow.....

to add to all that, i see to have developed an anxiety disorder- i have panic attacks that are mentally and physically hard to cope with. Conflict and stressful situations seems to bring these on, so great with the kind of personality i have huh?!?!

anyway the long and the short of it is that i need to find a way to move forward, to change...i bought a book on non violent communication..I'm yet to read it...but every other time i have read books about improving myself i seem to read it and nod at all the life altering wisdom...but then in the heat of it i can never remember....like cramming for and exam and feeling that you know it all, but then getting in that room at that little desk and realising you DON'T have the tools to deal with this

also in a relationship with a partner.....what if i change but he doesnt? becasue we are both guilty of this stuff - we are too similar in our firey natures....i feel like running away from him on nights like tonight, that it would be better for us both to not have to deal with each other everyday....i love him too much to leave, but i love him too much to not try to change this....

where does this story end? i don't know, i don't know if i even feel better saying it, i just know that i cant continue to live this way, its hurting my closest relationships... i feel my family crumbling and i feel that all i need to do is find a way to make a few changes.....sounds easy when i say it like that

what is it?

Flame of shame arrives

Its really effecting me to see the flame that is so ironically supposed to be a symbol of harmony and peace arrive here in the hands of murders.

It saddens me to see the welcome to country by the Indigenous elder, considering the Tibetan cause is also an Indigenous issue.

My heart will be with the Tibetans as they protest the relay tomorrow. Wish I could be there

tibet, life and everything

sooooooooo much going on.

Tahleya is growing up so fast - she is such a little person now - a cheeky person! She loves to talk talk talk and be silly and run and get into EVERYTHING. Shes starting to really be lots of fun, enjoying things like playing imaginary games and going to the park and birthday parties and patting animals and playing silly buggers. I love being a mum :)

we have been super dooper busy organising protests for the Tibetan cause - please check out your local area for events - there is a big internationsl day for Tibet on Monday 31st....we are staging a big demo in brissie...its been so heartbreaking to learn of all the death and mayhem happening there....ive been feeling very physically ill when i read it....but Im glad to be able to particiapte and raise awareness and it has been awesome to see so much news coverage about it - i just hope it translates into actual ACTION by the pollies....we shall see

On a much lighter note - i got my dreads done today - after years of wanting them :) It was an early 30th Bday gift from a gorgeous hubby - which is a big deal considering they arent exactly his cup of chai.

so thats me for right now....things are mad here - we havent had a second to rest and hubby STILL has glandualr fever hanging on after 3 whole months of the sodding thing.

anyway hope all are well and happy.....not sure how many people actually read tyhis anymore, but heres a pic of my hair anyhoo

I am Sorry.

What a day....

The speech by Kevin Rudd just gave me such a positve uplifting feeling, I cried a fair bit, i clapped and cheered, i just feel elated - it just felt -cleansing, and i am filled with hope for the future....just a great day

I spoke to Tahleya about the importance, but she just pushed me away and played with her blocks - i think its her way of saying "No politics this morning mum, thats too heavy"

I will defiantly be celebrating this date next year as Australia Day

I had a beautiful phone call from a dear friend in England who was so excited- she watched the coverage on ABC via the net. We both cried together and she is going to go to work in the morning and gush about it to her workmates who will look dumbfounded

wow - i love living here!

I just closed the computer and went out the back and i was busy admiring the flowering lilly pilly trees and I saw ( and heard) the BIGGEST most beautiful bee i have ever seen. I raced inside to check it out in my "Wildlife of Greater Brisbane" book and he is a Carpenter Bee. They are about 25mm long which doesnt sound big, but he or she was soooo impressive! This is a crap picture, but was the only one i could find on the net

Time for a pilgrimage

Well its that time of year again - time to organise ourselves for Woodford Folk Fest.......except this time we have extra folk! The little munchkin is going to her first hippy fest and Im kinda nervous. Wish that I could be all chilled about it, but there is too much to think of! Im thinking she will love it because if there is one thing that child digs, its music! ( You should see her bash a drum and wiggle her butt to every song she hears!) She is a big fan of Ben Lee strangely - we dont own any of his music, but she boogies every time it comes on radio or TV. She has her own taste at 13 months! :)

Lots has been going on at casa de spiralgirl - mainly trying to get the house ship shape and get the garden under control. We put up some new wooden blinds, a screen for the sliding door to the deck, and bought some shelving for the kitchen. Because those were the fun things to do - we still have 2 rooms to unpack and setup but that isnt fun.

Im trying to control the weeds and get some new natives in the ground too - the organic sugar cane mulch people are making a packet out of me at the moment!! Ive been spending the last few days pulling out oleander shoots - the bloody toxic crap has self - seeded all over the place and while we have hacked down the parent tree, the babies are everywhere!

Also started a very small organic vegie plot that so far only has herbs and cherry tomato bushes in it - going to see how it copes before we go too nuts with it.

Tahleya has been very cranky of late too - screaming at nothing and very clingy - not sure if it is teeth or something, but just trying to keep her happy during the day is an exhausting job (Im totally stuffed all the time ) My usual answer to her surly state is to sling her onto my back and do some gardening - he usually falls asleep in the sling and i keep working - works for both of us!

Oh and I guess I better mention Xmas - we are just hanging with family before the pilgrimage to Woodford, Im hoping Tahleya isnt going to get a mountain of gifts from her loving grandparents, because she just had a birthday and scored lots then! We have bought just a few books ( because you cant have too many good books) and I believe santa is bringing one or two good quality wooden toys for her enjoyment! ( So santa told me anyway) Im sure she will LOVE the paper!

So hope you all have a safe and happy break and see you in the new year - will leave you with some pics of the monkey girl xx


"I only spilt the rice cereal a little bit Mum"
The little artist doing a painting or two !
Chilling out on the deck - nappy free time! :)

Happy Birth-day my precious girl.

Dearest Tahleya.

Your daddy and I are so excited to celebrate today with you - a year since you were born, our long awaited, magical, special girl. Daddy's little monkey rabbit. Mama's flopsy miss mopsy. Our Sprout.

Last night mama and dada talked to you about your birth, as the clock struck 10pm we told you how exactly a year ago you began your journey out of mama's tummy. Telling you this- you raised your eyebrows and laughed the most beautiful laugh - I swear you remember it.

Do you remember the speed at which you descended?

Do you remember the roaring of your mama and the tears of your dada?

Do you remember Anne as she caught you?

Do you remember the smile on Nanny Jane's face?

Do you remember beginning your love affair with the boob?

Do you remember the millions of kisses we lay upon your silky soft brow?

I remember every second of it, and I am grateful for every moment since.

Beautiful girl, you make our lives complete and we love you as big as the ocean.

Happy birth- day my most precious gift
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